Tipsy Time Travel Tale
by Yunaine
Summary: Harry gets dragged back in time to change the future. He has no intention of taking anything lying down again and decides to have some fun. - Set during all Hogwarts school years; Harry/Luna; Parody
1. Prologue

Author: Yunaine  
Title: Tipsy Time Travel Tale  
Words: Estimated at roughly 40,000  
Rating: T  
Status: Small Novel - WIP  
Spoilers: All  
Category: Humor/Adventure

Warnings: Verbal insulting, Ridiculous scenes, Character death, Presence of Luna, Parody (several characters will act OOC)

Main characters: Harry Potter, Luna Lovegood, ...  
Pairing: Harry Potter & Luna Lovegood

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and I do not own anything regarding that entire imagined universe.

Summary: Harry gets dragged back in time to change the future. He has no intention of taking anything lying down again and decides to have some fun. - Set during all Hogwarts school years; Harry Potter/Luna Lovegood; Parody

Beta: Ethiliam

--

Additional Notes:

Only ideas will be used from books six and seven. You can assume that none of the actions of those two books happened. Harry will also be displaying some decent power instead of his meagre wand skills.

Even though this is not a crossover fiction, the story will contain references to several other things. I will try to put all of them in the disclaimers at the end of the chapters.

--

**Tipsy Time Travel Tale**

**1- Prologue**

--

Harry had been abducted from his home half an hour ago and had been listening to a ridiculously powerful being ever since. He would have blasted it by now if he could, but his wandless magic didn't seem to work in this serene hospital-looking room. By now he was using most of his willpower to ignore Sugnudnum.

The being had not told Harry his name, so Harry had named the being himself. Since the being had many things in common with Mundungus, like appearance and smell, Harry had reversed the name. A stupid name for a stupid being. Harry really wished he could just blast it. After a few more minutes Sugnudnum finally stopped talking.

Harry blinked his eyes for a moment. He went over everything that had just been said and wanted to make sure he had interpreted everything correct.

"Let me get this straight." Harry put up an effort to smile.

"You - " Harry pointed at Sugnudnum.

" - want me - " Harry pointed at himself. He really wanted to get his interpretation through clear so sign language was of the utmost importance.

" - to go back in time - " Harry twirled his fingers around a bit, unsure of how to represent time travel.

" - because you found my Hogwarts years to be boring - " Harry mimicked a yawn and pretended to be asleep for a few seconds.

" - and you want to have more entertainment?" Harry finished incredulously and gritted his teeth.

"Absolutely," Sugnudnum said and clapped his hands. "I am glad you caught on so quickly. I thought it would have taken at least a couple of hours. It seems you are not as stupid as you look. I will leave your memory intact. Ready?"

"WAIT!" Harry yelled. "I did _not_ agree to any of this. Are you bloody insane?"

Sugnudnum huffed. "Of course I am. If I wasn't insane when I took the job then I would be now. No living entity can stay sane while controlling Time. Paradoxes left, right and centre."

"You want me to live through my hellish school life on Earth again because you are bored and insane? No. Just ... no. Hell no."

"Oh come on Harry," Sugnudnum whined, something that looked out of place on a being as powerful as him. "Just look at your school years. You looked pathetic. So many possible solutions and you always took the most boring one. Can't you think of more ways to solve all of those things? Preferably a solution that is not boring. You'll even know what is coming so you will have an advantage."

"N - o," Harry mouthed slowly while waving his hands around. "Absolutely not."

The being looked sad and sighed. "Ah well. I tried the gentle approach. You seem to think you have a choice in the matter. I was just asking out of courtesy really. I am going to send you back anyway."

Harry glared at him. "If you send me back in time then I am going to make every ones life hell. No more Mr. Shy Guy. I'll be a whirlwind through Hogwarts. I will annoy everyone that I come across in every way that I can imagine."

"Fantastic!" Sugnudnum said. "That is just what I wanted. Have fun Harry! Do remember that I will be watching every step along the way."

Harry's eyes widened due to the shock. "Wait! I was joki - "

Harry's reply was cut off since time was turned back. Sugnudnum was grinning insanely, rubbing his hands in glee, and said, "I hope it will be more fun this time. That Tom person did _not_ take well to being thrown back in time."

A richly decorated living room popped up out of nowhere. Sugnudnum threw himself in the couch and zapped on the big screen on the wall. It showed a small kid that was lying in a cupboard. The boy woke up a moment later. Sugnudnum grinned and conjured some popcorn. A second later a frown appeared on his face. He took the controller; he hit a button on it and a text appeared on the bottom of the screen for a few seconds. "Commercials disabled."

--

Harry lay in his bed. He refused to open his eyes. He already knew where he was by the smell of the place. The cupboard under the stairs, number four, Privet Drive, Little Whining, Surrey.

Harry whispered with a strained voice, "Someone is going to pay for this. No, strike that. Everyone is going to pay for this."

Harry shortly thought about making a plan but rejected the thought a moment later. '_That bastard probably wants me to make some sort of plan. Well, screw that. I'll make everything up as I go. Most plans are doomed to fail anyway._'

He opened the door of his cupboard and walked outside. It was already afternoon. He saw some gift-wrapping that was thrown aside in the living room, which meant that it was shortly after Dudley's birthday. '_Great, that arse ditched me right before the letters start arriving._' Harry walked outside and saw Vernon cursing at his car. The car was lifted up a bit and it looked like Vernon was trying to change the tire. Trying was the main philosophy there.

Vernon looked mad and he swung back his leg to kick the car. Harry raised an eyebrow. '_Is he really going to kick a car that is on a jack, which is incidentally completely unstable? How stupid can he get?_' A second later, a smile formed on his face. '_I really shouldn't... Ah, why not?_'

Just when Vernon's foot collided with the car, Harry used a bit of wandless magic to make sure the car fell down at that point. Before it fell on Vernon's toes, he made sure to add silencing and repelling wards around the area. Vernon's shriek when the car fell on his toes was like music in Harry's ears. _'He shrieks like a five year old girl that didn't get her ice-cream.'_

Vernon was pushing and pulling at the car in a weak attempt to get it off his toes.

Harry decided to have some more fun at Vernon's expense and ran over to Vernon in the most dramatic way while waving his arms around in panic. "Uncle Vernon!" Harry gasped. "What happened?"

Vernon had never looked so pleased to see Harry. "Car. Toes. Hurt. Call. Ambulance," Vernon whispered with a strained voice.

Harry thought for a short moment and decided to see if he could take advantage of this. It would also display just how much brainpower Vernon had. "Oooohhh boy." Harry sighed. "If only I had some superpowers like those freaks on TV," Harry said wistfully. "Then I could just remove that car from your toes and heal them. Now they will probably need to be cut off. They might need to remove your leg!" Harry gasped while his eyes widened at reaching his conclusion.

Vernon paled while his eyes widened in shock. "No," Vernon whispered. "Not my leg."

_'Oh boy. He cannot be that stu-'_

"You have freakish powers! Petunia told me so, she said you are a wizard!" Vernon whispered dramatically. "I'm sure you can just throw that car off me like it was nothing. Then you could just repair my leg!"

_'Yup. He really is that stupid. Throw the car off hmm? I can work with that. Although I should really make sure before I do anything._'

"Really?" Harry gasped. "I'm a wizard? Whooaaa... Do you think I can fly?" Harry asked eagerly.

"Bo - Harry," Vernon gasped. "Try to remove the car, it hurts... please?" Vernon whimpered the last bit.

"Oooowkeey Uncle Vernon. I'll do my best," Harry said while nodding eagerly. He figured it wouldn't hurt to let Vernon suffer a bit more and thus rubbed his fingers over his temple in a dramatic fashion to show that he was concentrating on the task.

Vernon whimpered again which broke Harry out of his concentration. Harry looked over at him in annoyance. "Do you mind? I'm trying to concentrate here."

Harry saw Vernon clenching his teeth. '_I was wrong. He isn't stupid; he's a complete dolt._' Harry started again and did his best to cover up the grin on his face. After five-seconds he dramatically waved one of his hands and the car shot into the air with more wandless magic.

Vernon let out a gasp of relief.

However Vernon had not noticed that the car had not only moved upward, but also forward. This was completely accidental due to the _uncontrolled_ magic of course. No ill intent at all. A car is meant to be in the garage anyway.

CRASH

Oh. The garage door needed to be opened _before_ putting the car in it. Oops.

Harry widened his eyes before looking over at Vernon. He blinked his eyes in pure innocence and his eyes glittered with unshed tears. "I really didn't mean to do that! I broke the garage door and damaged your car. You're going to lock me up again." Harry finished tearfully.

"Nooo," Vernon said while drawing out the o-sound. "Just try to fix my toes. The car doesn't matter, just fix my toes!"

Harry wiped out his fake tears with the sleeve of his over sized T-shirt and let out an audibly sniffle that he was sure Vernon heard. He got closer to Vernon and saw that his shoe was still intact. _'It's only a bruise. Sissy._' Harry waved his hands dramatically while he said nonchalantly, "I hope I don't remove your leg by accident this way. Who knows how my _untrained_ powers could react."

Vernon's eyes widened again but before he could stop Harry, the pain in his foot was gone. Vernon snapped his head to his leg to see if it was still there. He kept running his hands over his leg as if it was the most revered possession he had.

Harry stood there in complete innocence. This really was none of his fault after all.

Vernon's head snapped over to Harry and, completely taking him by surprise, hugged him. "Thank you Harry, I don't know what I would have done without you," Vernon said.

_'You would have called the garage to fix the tire instead of going through all this trouble,_' Harry thought. He quickly removed the silencing and repelling wards around the driveway.

Vernon sighed and looked at his car. "I'll contact the garage to take care of this." Vernon disappeared inside moments later.

Harry saw one of the neighbours looking out the window at the car and the garage door while their eyes widened in shock. A few seconds later Harry heard a shriek from Petunia followed with indistinct shouting. He was very sure that Vernon had just told Petunia that the secret was out. Only the neighbours didn't know that. A car stuck in a garage door in combination with Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon shouting at each other. Harry decided that there was only one logical solution to draw for the nice neighbours and Harry decided to help them reach it.

He looked innocently at the neighbour and cocked back his head a bit while pretending to drink from a non-existing bottle. He then pointed at the car, then pointed at the intense argument inside and shook his head sadly with a sigh. The neighbour looked like Christmas had come early and Harry saw her picking up the telephone a second later. It would be news around the entire neighbourhood in a few minutes. Vernon really should cut back on the drinking.

_'Take that Petunia, you gossip fossil!'_

--

Harry decided that dropping a car on Vernon's toes was the best thing he had ever done. If he had known the reaction from incapacitating Vernon then he would have dropped an anvil on him a long time ago. Harry now lay in his new bed, which was positioned in his newly decorated room with loads of new stuff. It was still Dudley's old room but at least this time the room was completely remodelled.

It had been a few days since the _unfortunate_ _accident_. Not only did he have a new room, but Vernon also left Harry alone from now on and he didn't even receive any more shores. After the incident, Petunia and Vernon had taken him aside to explain that he would be going to a boarding school where they taught magic.

Petunia and Dudley were giving him disapproving looks. They hadn't witnessed the awesomeness that was Harry yet. Therefore, Harry decided to help them along when he saw Dudley passing his new room with a depressed look on his face. Dudley had been depressed for a few days since he had heard that he would lose his toy-room.

Dudley took one step down the stairs and Harry used a bit of wandless magic to throw him off balance. Two-seconds later a moaning Dudley lay at the bottom of the stairs. Harry started humming a self invented anthem while waiting for it.

"DUDLEY," Harry heard Petunia shriek.

There it was. Harry's call sign. He immediately teleported to the bottom of the stairs, which led to Petunia shrieking again. Harry ignored her and waved his hands dramatically over Dudley. '_Vitals...check. No broken bones...check. No brain concussion...errr.'_ "He's fine." Harry stated.

Dudley finally mumbled in his most intelligent manner, "Hmwa?"

Harry suddenly grinned and pointed at Dudley. "See!" He walked into the living room a moment later while Petunia was smothering Dudley. Harry caught small parts off Petunia's whispering "I am not letting you out of my sight again. Poor Diddykins."

Harry's smile could have lit the entire neighbourhood for a few seconds. '_Poor Dudley_. _I only hope that they will leave me alone now._'

--

Harry's technique had worked perfectly. The entire Dursley family was leaving him alone. He had received his Hogwarts letter and his Uncle had told him to reply immediately to ensure his enrolment. Petunia had given him directions to the freaks pub, the Leaky Cauldron, which she remembered from Lily.

Harry saw Petunia talking to a neighbour on the front porch. He walked outside and overheard Petunia saying, "... Vernon did not crash our car!"

Harry quickly decided to seize the moment. "Aunt Petunia, I need to buy some school supplies but I don't have any money."

Petunia absentmindedly reached into her purse and gave Harry some money. She just continued her conversation as if she hadn't been interrupted. "My Vernon is not a drunk. I don't know who spread those ridiculous rumours. It was our nephew that was responsible for that."

Harry caught the neighbour's eye, started to roll his eyes at her while shaking his head in the direction of Petunia with a small sigh.

The neighbour kept Petunia's attention on her and nodded shortly at Harry. "Of course Petunia. Your nephew is responsible for crashing your car in the garage. I wasn't aware that he had his driver's license already," the neighbour responded in a patronising voice.

Harry grinned and quickly made his way back into the house before Petunia's mind caught up.

--

Harry had just finished breakfast and walked outside the front door to enjoy the rest of the day. He saw a very familiar cat with distinct markings sitting in the bushes nearby. The cat was looking at him intently. Harry looked away from the cat while musing, '_Hmmm... I really have to capture that cat. I'll just pretend to have forgotten something and hope that she is still there in a few moments._' Harry threw his hands up and ran back into the house a second later.

He quickly ran out the backdoor and approached the cat, which was still looking intently at the front door, from behind. He jumped at the cat and grabbed it by the neck. The cat hissed at Harry, but he merely grabbed it closer into a hug. "What a cute little kitty!" A few seconds later, he sniffed at the cat. "Whoah, you really smell." Harry saw the eyes of the cat narrow in indignation.

"No worries my beautiful little kitty. I'll give you a bath!" The look of shock on the cat's face would forever be imprinted in his mind. He quickly made his way to the bathroom while the cat was trying to get out of his embrace. Harry was doing his very best to keep his concerned face on instead of collapsing in laughter.

He filled the tub halfway so he could put the cat in comfortably without drowning it. The cat was still hissing at him while trying to get away from him.

"Harry? What are you doing in there?" Harry heard Petunia asking.

Harry looked at the cat and whispered, "You'd better be quiet or she might cook you for dinner." The cat slumped in defeat a second later.

"I had something stuck in my teeth so I'm brushing them again Aunt Petunia."

"Don't take too long!" Harry heard Petunia leaving a moment later.

Taking advantage of the distraction Harry quickly dunked the cat underwater. It seemed that the dislike of water was not that noticeable for a cat animagus in comparison to a real cat. Harry threw in some soap and started washing the cat. '_If only I could take some photos for blackmail purposes later on._' Harry sighed at the missed opportunity. He would have to buy the equivalent of a muggle camera in the Magical World when he went shopping.

A few moments later, a thought struck him that would make sure that he shared this little prank with other people. It would be inhumane to keep this to himself. It just wasn't right.

He quickly dried the cat, grabbed it again and ran outside. It wasn't really his fault that the cat was still covered with a bit of soap. "I can't keep you but I just realised that I know someone who can. You will fit right in sweetie!"

As Harry approached the house of Mrs. Figg, the cat started struggling again to get away from Harry. Harry refused to let go though. He rang the bell and waited.

Mrs. Figg opened the door a few moments later. "Hello Harry. How -

Harry saw Mrs. Figg looking at the cat he had in his arms. Her lips started twitching a bit. Harry decided to start his acting again.

He spoke quickly. "Hello Mrs. Figg. I found this little kitty at my house. It smelled weird so I cleaned it up a bit. Then I realised that my relatives hate cats because Aunt Marge likes dogs. Can you keep the little kitty?" Harry blinked his eyes innocently at Mrs. Figg to sway her to his master plan.

Mrs. Figg's lips twitched again. Her voice cracked when she started speaking, "Yo ... you bathed the err cat?"

Harry nodded enthusiastically. "Yes, ma'am. The kitty struggled a bit but I managed. I really should stop calling it a kitty though. How can you tell whether it's male or female?"

Mrs. Figg's eyes nearly popped out. She quickly replied, "Now now Harry. Let us just give it a meaningful name that suits both genders. We wouldn't want to invade its privacy."

"Ok...hmmm... How about... Bubbles!" Harry stated proudly.

The cat quickly meowed in approval just to get out of the situation. Harry grinned at Bubbles and hugged the cat again. Mrs. Figg looked like she was ready to collapse on the floor. She remembered the earlier question and quickly responded, "I'll take Bubbles in. I'm certain that Bubbles will fit right in with my other cats."

"Thank you Mrs. Figg! I have to get back home for lunch now." Harry stated and a few moments later Mrs. Figg closed the door again with Bubbles in her arms. Harry took his time to walk away and heard laughter a few moments after closing the door.

--

The next day Harry decided to go shopping for his supplies. He put up a notice-me-not charm and teleported straight to Diagon Alley. He walked into the bank and felt the charm fading away by the protections of the bank. He was glad that he had put some muggle make up on his scar since that didn't fade away. He looked around and saw that all the goblins were busy.

Harry looked at one of the goblins critically and raised an eyebrow when he realised something. Harry had become proficient in the art of Legilimency during his last two years at Hogwarts and had taken much information from the minds of students. It wasn't exactly legal but the decision was easily made. Learning everything on his own equalled days or months of work. Learning everything from mind reading equalled minutes of work. If someone had caught him then he would have just blamed it on Dumbledore for setting the bad example anyway.

One of the goblins was finally free and Harry immediately approached it. Harry leaned forward a bit and whispered to the goblin, "Where do you keep the Mogwai?"

The goblin asked in confusion, "Mogwai?"

"Yes, Mogwai... You know, like Gizmo?"

"Gizmo?" the goblin asked in more confusion.

Harry leaned closed and whispered, "The-Fur-Ball-Who-Must-Not-Be-Watered-And-Never-Fed-After-Midnight."

"I am sorry, sir. I have no idea what you are talking about."

Harry thought he noticed a slight waver in the goblins voice, but decided not to question it any further. "Hmmm... I lost my key a few days ago, could you make a new one and destroy the old one?"

The goblin let his teeth show for a moment while looking menacingly at Harry. "That depends on who you are."

"Harry James Potter."

"All right Mr. Potter. Follow me. You will have to go through a small process to ensure that you are who you say you are."

Harry followed the goblin into a nearby chamber. A few minutes later Harry held the new key in his hands. The goblin also informed him that he owned another vault, but could not withdraw from it until he was twenty-five. One of the Potters had set the age limit when an ignorant child had nearly squandered away the entire fortune by making childish decisions. There was no key for that vault since you only had to be a twenty-five year old Potter heir. Physical keys could be stolen while that magic could not be broken.

He had also received a piece of paper that he could only activate with a tap of his wand. The goblins told him it was his fan mail in a categorised manner.

The goblin took Harry to his trust vault mere moments later. While he was withdrawing some money, he noticed an old dusty trunk in the back of the vault. He walked towards it and opened it carefully. The trunk contained his parents' belongings from when they went to school. Not only did it contain schoolbooks, quills, ink and parchment, but it also contained a couple of picture albums.

Harry quickly paged through the albums and realised that there were pictures in there from his parents' childhood through their Hogwarts years. He found it strange that there were no pictures of them after they had graduated from Hogwarts. The only reason he could think of was that it might be some strange family tradition to leave such a trunk in his trust vault. He put the albums back in there, closed the lid and shrunk it. He put it in his pocket a moment later.

When Harry and the goblin arrived back in the bank, he saw a very large familiar figure looking a tad greenish from the trip. Harry grinned at the goblin. "Did you know that muggles have something called roller-coasters?" Harry asked in a loud voice so Hagrid would overhear him. "Roller-coasters can go at least twice as fast as these train carts! They also have loops so you go upside down a few times."

Harry had never seen Hagrid move so quickly to get out of the bank. He saw the goblin grin insanely as well. Harry made his way out of the bank since he had concluded his business here.

He saw Hagrid sitting on the lower steps. '_Let's remove that little obstacle._' He quickly put a notice-me-not charm around him and summoned a stone to him that lay on the ground. He transfigured it into a duplicate Philosopher's Stone, as well as he could still remember it from his first year. Afterwards he did a switching spell on the real one in Hagrid's pocket. Harry looked at the real stone for a moment, shrugged and then put it inside his pocket. '_Why go through all those defences when you can nick it during transportation..._'

Harry made his way into Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions to get some Hogwarts clothing. He entered the shop and heard Madam Malkin talking to a familiar blond person. "Just a minute longer." Harry walked over to them in full confidence and waited until the shopkeeper was done.

Harry heard the door to the shop open and close again. He looked behind him and saw Lisa Turpin and her mother entering the store. It seemed that Malfoy just couldn't resist showing off.

"Who are you?" Malfoy drawled and sneered at him.

"Bond," Harry said with a straight face. "James Bond." Lisa's mother smiled at him while Lisa seemed to be having a coughing fit.

Malfoy raised his nose a bit. "I've never heard of the Bond family."

Harry just looked at Malfoy with a blank expression that radiated 'So what?'. Malfoy finally lost his patience, sneered at him and said, "I'm Malfoy. Draco Malfoy."

"Hello Miss. Malfoy," Harry replied with a straight face. Harry enjoyed how Malfoy's face started turning red from anger. He decided to take it a step further since Malfoy was still in shock. He quickly took Malfoy's hand and kissed it in an elegant way. "It's a pleasure to meet you."

'_Wait for it..._'

"I AM NOT A GIRL YOU INCOMPETENT TWIT!" Malfoy shouted a second later. Harry heard the door opening behind him again and saw Narcissa Malfoy entering the shop. He only noticed her by looking into a mirror; Draco hadn't noticed her yet.

"Not a girl? That's impossible. You are dressed in a robe, your hair looks as if you spent two hours on it this morning and your voice sounds very feminine," Harry said innocently.

Lisa apparently decided to play along. "Two hours?" She gasped. "I don't even spend that much time on my hair."

Malfoy was turning a darkish purple colour. What amazed Harry the most was that he could see Narcissa's eyes in the mirror and they contained mirth. He looked at Malfoy again and asked, "Are you quite sure that you aren't a girl? Can your parents confirm that?"

Before Malfoy could respond, Narcissa spoke up. "He did have something between his legs when he was born. Is that enough proof?"

Malfoy turned to his mother in shock, "Mother!"

"Be silent Draco. You deserve nothing less. Yelling like some commoner for the entire street to hear. I wonder what your father will have to say about that." Malfoy paled a bit and suddenly stayed silent. "Your manners are atrocious. You don't even have the decency to introduce me to the young Mister here."

"Mo -

"Quiet!" Narcissa interrupted Malfoy. She turned to Harry and looked in his eyes. Harry frowned when he saw a small smile on her face. Before saying anything, she turned back to Malfoy. "Wait outside Draco. We will be getting your wand later today."

Harry would have bet money on Malfoy protesting, but to his utter astonishment Malfoy left without a word. A second after the door closed he heard a whisper from Narcissa. "Lily's boy..."

His head snapped over to Narcissa in shock. "I wondered what you looked like. You have James' hair and nose but everything else reminds me of Lily." This shocked Harry even more since everyone always compared him to his father.

"I knew Lily from Hogwarts. She was a brilliant witch. I hope you have inherited her intelligence and not James'. He was a delinquent when I was still at school but I suppose he grew up. Lily would not have been with him otherwise. I lost contact with her due to the war." Narcissa's eyes reflected a touch of sadness, but it was gone a moment later. "It was a pleasure to have met you Mr. Potter." She left the store a moment later.

Harry looked around and noticed that the shopkeeper and the Turpin family had turned away from the small monologue Narcissa had with him. He suspected that Narcissa might have confunded them when he was too shocked to notice. He hadn't even been able to say anything himself. He sighed and walked over to Madam Malkin.

When he was close to her she asked, "The usual Hogwarts uniform?"

Harry thought about it for a moment. "No. I'm not going to wear a robe. Do you have anything different?"

Madam Malkin looked shocked for a moment. "I'm afraid that all Hogwarts uniforms are robes."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "I am not going to dress like a girl. Can you make me something that looks male or should I shop in the muggle world?"

"Your list is very clear Mr. Potter. Three sets of plain work robes in black."

Harry's eyes narrowed a bit before he loosened up again. He responded cheerfully, "You are right of course. Three sets of plain work robes please."

Madam Malkin looked at him with narrowed eyes while wondering what he was thinking now. Harry decided to humour her and mumbled, "As long as it doesn't state anywhere that I can't change them then its fine with me."

Harry left the shop a couple of moments later with the new clothes. He threw another notice-me-not charm and quickly stuffed the clothing into the trunk. He then went into the Magical Menagerie and bought Hedwig a moment later. She was a very loyal owl so he definitely needed her. After that, he made a couple of quick stops at the bookstore and potions store to buy all the necessary school stuff. He also managed to buy a Magical Camera to take moving pictures quickly. It cost a lot, but the price would be worth it. The last stop on his list was getting a wand.

He didn't need a wand anymore since he could do everything wandlessly for some time now. Too bad that he required a wand to avoid suspicion and he really didn't want that brother wand to fall into the wrong hands. He also didn't want anyone to know that he had it though. Harry left the shop half an hour later with his holly wand. A very confused Ollivander, who could not remember ever creating a brother wand to Voldemort's, remained behind.

It was getting dark outside and he noticed that most shops had closed up. He didn't remember it being that dark on his previous trip. Nevertheless, this wasn't his previous trip anyway, things were changing and Harry didn't care. He walked through the deserted alley and saw Gringotts in the dark. He noticed that the lights were flickering inside and Harry got closer to see what was happening inside. When he finally got close enough, he heard singing...

"_Ta ta tadada, ta ta tadada  
Ta ta tadada, ta_

_Start countin' the gold, I'm workin' today_  
_I want to own a part of it, Gringotts, Gringotts_

_These assets we hold are begging to stay_  
_Right from the very start of it, Gringotts, Gringotts_

_I wanna work inside a bank that makes profit_  
_And find I'm head employee of the unit_

_These families of old, are starting to die_  
_I'll claim a vast part of it, for old Gringotts_

_If I can claim it here, I'll claim it anywhere_  
_It's all for you, Gringotts, Gringotts"_

Harry heard the music picking up. He was staring at the front door of Gringotts in pure disbelief.

_"Gringotts, Gringotts_

_I wanna work inside a bank that always profits_  
_And find I'm T-galleon-one, top of the pile,_  
_Head employee, T-galleon-one_

_These families of old, are starting to die_  
_I'm gonna claim a vast part of it, for old Gringotts_

_A-a-a-nd if I can claim it here, I'm gonna claim it anywhere_  
_It's all for you, Gringotts, Gringotts_

_Gringotts"_

Harry's eye twitched for a moment. A few seconds later...

_"Cha cha cha cha cha CHAaa,_

_Cha cha cha cha cha CHAaa,_

_Cha cha cha cha -"_

Harry quickly shook his head to clear it and teleported himself to Privet Drive. He would do his very best to erase the last five minutes of his life from his memory.

--

Harry woke up the next day and remembered that he had forgotten to take care of a few things.

He first took his holly wand and snapped it. He took out the Phoenix feather and put it aside. '_What to take as core... Aha!_' He eyed Hedwig for a second and after receiving permission he quickly took a feather from her. Several minutes later his new holly wand with a snowy owl core was finished. He had also added some markings on the wand itself. They looked really ancient and purposeful but they actually didn't do a single thing.

He took the Philosopher's Stone out of the clothes he wore yesterday. '_Where to hide an object of immortality and wealth..._' Harry cracked a grin a few seconds later and made his way downstairs. He opened the cupboard and put the Philosopher's Stone and the Phoenix feather on the ground in a small and dark corner. A moment later that corner was under a small Fidelius charm.

He made his way back upstairs and took out the piece of parchment from the goblins. He activated the parchment with his wand and stared at it for a few minutes. The paper showed names in combination with numbers. The number was the amount of owls they had sent to him. He could access the mails by tapping his wand on the name and scroll through the pages.

"Romilda Vane, 342 letters. Ginny Weasley, 314 letters. Pa-" Harry's eye got a small twitch. '_Right... Prioritise Harry... The top five are psycho bitches to avoid at all cost. The rest of the top fifty are possible stalkers. I am so not accepting anything from anyone on this list.'_ He quickly moved through the list and removed nearly everything from it. He really wasn't going to read stuff from people he didn't even know. He finally got to the name "Luna Lovegood, 1 letter."

Intrigued by what the spaced out girl had to say, he tapped his wand to the number, which opened the parchments.

A girl's handwriting was displayed. "Welcome Back Harry Potter."

Harry's eye twitched again. He was starting to develop a tic this morning. '_There is absolutely no way..._' He fooled around with the parchment a bit and finally managed to retrieve the date it arrived at Gringotts. '_The day after I got back..._' Harry's eye didn't stop twitching for several minutes.

--

**To Be Continued...**

--

Additional Notes

Disclaimer: I do not own 'James Bond' and 'Gremlins'. I rewrote the song 'New York New York' from 'Frank Sinatra'; I obviously do not own the original.

Thank you Ethiliam for taking your time to go through all my insanity again!


	2. Year One

Standard Disclaimer and Notes

Please have a look at chapter one for this information.

--

**Tipsy Time Travel Tale**

**2- Year One**

--

Harry teleported straight to the Platform of nine and three quarters. The most dreadful day of the year had finally arrived. He walked to the middle of the platform, jumped onto the train and went straight into a compartment that was empty. He quickly enlarged his trunk and tossed it into the bag compartment above him. He hadn't seen Hedwig since yesterday so he assumed that she flew straight to Hogwarts after her nightly hunting.

He had spent a lot of time thinking during the last days of the summer. It had nothing to do with Voldemort though. He hadn't been wasting any time wondering about inane things. It had to do with his old friends. He concluded that while he could become friends with them again, however it would serve no purpose at all.

There were more advantages to having other friends. It would answer many questions that could be asked if someone went back in time. How would his old friends turn out without his overbearing presence? How would his own life turn out if he had different friends? How would everything change and shift around him? How would certain people react to him without the presence of his old friends? How wou-

'_Argh, who am I trying to convince? I'm just liable to kill Hermione and Ron if they start their arguments again.'_

He decided to stick to his original non-existing plan. He would see where everything took him while making everyone pay for Sugnudnum's intervention. He would be just like the rest of the children; completely innocent. The sudden grin on Harry's face would have chilled some of the Hogwarts professors if they had seen it.

Harry had arrived a bit early so he just dozed off a few moments later.

--

Harry woke up to the sound of a couple of girls talking to each other. He cracked an eye open and saw Pansy Parkinson and Tracey Davis whispering to each other.

'_Great, this is just my lucky day._'

They had not recognised him since he had applied an illusion over his scar. An illusion that he would not remove until the scar would disappear due to Voldemort's death. He really didn't want people gawking over the stupid thing.

Before the two girls realised he was awake, Harry heard a voice from outside the window.

"Oh, Mom, shouldn't Harry Potter be here? Can I go look for him? Please, Mom."

Harry stood up and startled the two girls with his abrupt movement.

"Excuse me for a moment," he said before he walked out of the compartment and made his way outside. He was alone in the corridor so he quickly illusioned his entire body. A middle aged Auror walked out of the train.

'_I am so glad I can do this stuff. This is going to make my life much easier._'

He walked over to Ginny Weasley and stationed himself behind her. He discreetly started to whisper into his watch. "Potter is almost on the train. I repeat; Potter is almost on the train. I have to say chief, making that Potter kid look like the Malfoy kid was good on its own, but adding two Unspeakables as the Malfoy parents was a touch of brilliance. Nobody will ever suspect a thing. Potter is making his way towar-"

Harry broke off since it looked like Ginny had listened very closely. She had run off towards the Malfoy family at full speed.

Harry remembered the weird conversation and decided to test Narcissa. He projected his voice near her ear and whispered, "Incoming..."

He saw Narcissa frown for a second before she looked up. She quirked an eyebrow at the redhead that was running at her son in full speed, but she made no move to stop her. Instead she got a small smile on her face and stood aside to watch.

Harry quickly threw up a notice-me-not to make everyone look away from him and teleported closer to the incoming missile. He changed his appearance again; this time he changed into an old looking woman with a cane. He bent his back a bit and put more weight on the cane to make it look real. He then quickly removed the notice-me-not charm again.

While he slowly made his way towards the Malfoys, for a completely innocent conversation, he observed Ginny who made her way through the crowd. She startled several people by running so close by them at a high speed, which resulted in those people trying to observe where she was going.

WHAM

"You're my hero, Harry!" Ginny exclaimed while hugging Draco furiously.

Harry looked at the reaction of some people and realised that he would savour this moment for a very long time. Every Weasley sibling was looking at the scene in absolute horror. Lucius Malfoy was looking at the redhead in outrage while Draco Malfoy was trying to peel her off of him. Harry saw outrage on Narcissa's face as well, but the gleam in her eyes reflected her enjoyment a bit too well.

Draco finally started talking in an angry and strained voice, "Let me go you-

Harry had already made his way towards the scene and he limped past Lucius and Narcissa with his regal appearance. He started talking in an old female voice that suited his current illusion and cut Malfoy off without a problem, "OOOooohhh. Will you look at this? They look so radiant together."

He looked over at Narcissa and asked, "When are they getting married?"

He didn't wait for a reply, but Lucius managed to interfere.

"Now look here Mrs. -

WHACK

Harry had hit him with his cane.

"Now _you_ look here young man, you can not go around interrupting people. Did your mother not teach you any manners?"

He wrinkled his nose for a moment and then continued with whispering, "Young people these days... no respect whatsoever..."

He made himself look confused for a second. "Where was I?"

He looked around for a second until he saw Draco and Ginny again. He patted Ginny on the head with a smile on his face and then pinched Draco's cheek.

"Ahh... Young love. You should not let anything get in between you. You look so beautiful together that I get tears in my eyes..." Harry pinked away a tear that had finally appeared on his face. The tear didn't have anything to do with beauty but more with the mirth that he was trying to contain.

Since everyone was still wondering if this was really happening or not, especially Lucius who was still on the ground from the cane-hit, he quickly took out an ancient looking watch and exclaimed, "Oooh...oh my, I'm late for my bridge club!"

He turned over to Narcissa and whispered to her in a conspicuous tone, "Every time I'm late Margaret starts drinking sherry. We can't play if she's drunk! She always loses so she probably does it on purpose too."

He teleported away with a bang to make it look like Apparition and arrived back at his compartment a few moments later; the illusion had already been dropped from his body.

There was a third girl in the compartment now since Daphne Greengrass had joined the other two.

'_How come no guy entered the compartment?_' Harry thought before being struck by his own realisation. '_Riigghhtt. I would never have entered this compartment if I were mentally eleven. Three girls banded together is just spooky as a male outsider._'

The three future Slytherins looked away from the window, where they were observing the young 'couple' from a distance, to see who had entered. Pansy had opened her mouth to speak but was cut off from the shriek outside.

"I AM _NOT_ HARRY POTTER!"

Harry knew he should have realised that the idiot would start yelling again. He rolled his eyes and decided to act casually. At least he would try too. He slammed the window open, which grabbed the attention of most people since everyone on the platform was silent besides Malfoy, and before anyone could respond he stuck his head out the window and said, "Could you stop yelli-

He quickly broke off when he looked at Malfoy, feigned ignorance and quickly exclaimed, "You again! I thought your mother told you not to yell in public like that?" Harry shook his head for a moment while mumbling, "You must be such a disappointment."

He looked over at Malfoy again and continued with a normal tone, "It's obvious that you aren't Harry Potter, because I am. Now if you are quite finished pretending to be me, for whichever sinister reason, I would like to get some more sleep when my headache is over. Thank you very much for that one!" Not waiting for an answer Harry closed the window.

He put his head against one of the sides, closed his eyes and mumbled, "This school had better have something against headaches or I'll be forced to strangle that kid by tomorrow to ensure every ones well being."

He heard some shuffling from the girls and a moment later someone tapped him on the shoulder. He cracked an eye open and saw that a vial was dangling in front of him. He raised an eyebrow at the sight of the filled vial.

"It's a potion against headaches," Pansy, to Harry's utter surprise, said to him. "My parents gave me some potions for minor health issues."

Harry took the vial and inconspicuously did some detection spells on it, which was easy since he was doing all the spells wandlessly. The potion was completely harmless and would indeed solve his headache. He didn't really have a headache because he wanted to use the fake headache to make sure the compartment didn't include him in too much conversation, but he knew he couldn't just refuse the offer now. He took the vial with a confused look and drank it a moment later.

He felt the potion working and knew that his headache should normally be gone now. Harry realised for the first time just how much difference this world could be. Most Slytherins weren't the evil little bastards and bitches at this age yet. He had no idea how to handle this new information so he decided to have some fun and distract the girls.

With a wicked grin he shot towards Pansy. He grabbed her in a hug, which shocked everyone in the compartment, while exclaiming, "Thank you so much! You are a lifesaver!" Deciding to see how far he could push this, he quickly gave her a sloppy kiss on the cheek.

After releasing her, the first reaction in the compartment was from Pansy.

"Ieeuuwwww... Gross!"

She was rubbing her cheek while glaring at Harry. Harry looked at her innocently, which caused Pansy to sigh dramatically at him.

She stuck out her hand. "Pansy Parkinson."

"Harry Potter." He took her hand and kissed it elegantly. That action didn't seem to annoy her as much and he repeated it for the other two in the compartment.

After the introduction Harry said, "I really need some more sleep. I heard that my family was being described in some of the history books, so I spent nearly the entire night reading them. Load of bollocks if you ask me."

He nearly closed his eyes before Tracey interrupted him. "Why is it a, uhm, load of bollocks?"

Harry opened his eyes again and saw Tracey looking genuinely curious and sorry for asking.

"Well, two things don't make any sense at all," Harry started.

"The first is easy to spot. They go on and on about how I am the only survivor of that night, yet they describe what happened in what they think is great accuracy. How can they know what happened if I am the only survivor? How can they even know that it was me that defeated Voldemort? My father could have weakened him and my mother could have finished him off before getting hit with the killing curse. Or, and this is my personal favourite, Voldemort stepped onto one of my baby toys that squeaked which resulted in him blasting the toy. The magical backlash from being so close to his own blast completely vaporised him.

"The second one is just plain stupid. They say how I was taken to muggle relatives and nobody has ever seen me since my parents went in hiding, yet they also keep going on about me having a scar on my forehead. I'm sure it was a cute invention by some reporter to try to spot me when I finally got back but I'm afraid I have absolutely no scar at all."

He lifted his hair and pointed at his forehead. "See? I swear, the first person that asks me to see some stupid made up scar will get to see something they would rather not have."

The three girls looked at him with thoughtful faces. Harry closed his eyes since everyone was contemplating what he just said. Before he fell asleep again he thought, '_Now I hope they will spread that tale to everyone else which will save me much crap._'

The door slammed open which woke Harry up. He looked at the door to reveal Ron Weasley standing in the opening.

"Can I see your scar?"

Harry sighed before he looked over at the girls. '_Tact was never one of his strong points._' The girls were looking at Harry to see what he would do. Harry decided to play along.

"You know about my scar?" he asked in shock.

Ron nodded furiously in response.

"Are you sure you want to see it?"

Ron's head bobbed even faster. Harry turned to the girls in the compartment. He really didn't want to do this to them.

"I really recommend you ladies to close your eyes because you will not like this."

Pansy was the only one that had already narrowed her eyes at him. Perhaps it was because she had already been a victim of his madness. Before anyone could question him, including Pansy, he stood up. He ran his hand through his hair and thus revealed a completely scar-less forehead.

"Just remember, you asked for this."

He turned around, dropped his pants and bent over. A very faint scar was on one of his buttocks. Before he had the chance to explain how he got it, the compartment was cleared. The girls had shrieked and run off while Ron just looked sick and stalked away.

'_At least there were no casualties. Well, nothing severe at least._' He put his feet on the bench across him and stretched out a bit.

--

The train had finally reached full speed before the compartment door opened again. Hannah Abbott stood in the doorway.

"Hello," she said timidly.

"Good morning."

After a few seconds of no communication Harry raised an eyebrow. "Let me guess. All compartments are full and you really need a place to stay for the train ride. However, you heard terrifying stories about this compartment when you were walking through the train?"

She nodded slowly while looking at him carefully.

Harry stood up and took a small bow. "Harry Potter at your service. Vanquisher of Evil Dark Lords. Compartment Cleaner of Annoying Little Brats. Charmer of Beautiful Young Ladies."

Hannah blinked at him.

"You're not charmed yet? Darn. Just wait till I learn some magic because then I'll be charming your socks off." Harry pouted.

Hannah couldn't suppress a giggle at his antics.

Harry continued, "I only mooned some kid because he annoyed me. I gave out fair warning to the ladies that were here, but they didn't take my advice." Harry took her trunk and stowed it away.

Hannah sat down next to Harry and introduced herself.

He was refreshed that Hannah didn't seem to care who he was and didn't try to analyse him like a bug. Although, he mused, the three future Slytherins didn't seem to care either. Hannah and Harry continued to chat for half an hour until the compartment door was pushed open and interrupted them.

Susan Bones walked into the compartment, closed the door, sat down opposite Harry and Hannah, and tried to compose herself. She was breathing hard and looked upset. Before Harry had a chance to ask anything, Hannah jumped off the bench and went to sit beside Susan.

"What happened?" she asked with a whisper.

"That Malfoy kid kept annoying me and wouldn't leave me alone. I finally slapped him and got out of the compartment," Susan said.

She didn't look sad, only shaken up a bit from the adrenaline.

She looked over at Harry. "I thought I would take my chances with the evil compartment."

Harry blinked his eyes innocently while adapting an angelic face. His attempt completely failed. Hannah just giggled, but he did manage to make Susan smile though.

Before anyone could make an introduction, the door slammed open again and Malfoy stood there. "Harry Potter? You told me that your name was James Bond."

Harry looked at him in horror. "No, I didn't. It's not just 'James Bond'! It's..." Harry rolled his eyes in exasperation. He spoke slowly to make sure that Malfoy understood him. "My name's Bond." He waited for a second before continuing. "James Bond."

Malfoy looked at him as if he were insane, which he probably was. "But you're Harry Potter!"

Harry sighed dramatically and said in a deadpanned voice, "I pity you Malfoy. I really do."

"But -"

Harry quickly closed the door with a loud bang. Malfoy was still looking into the compartment and Harry just looked at him in pity while he sighed and shook his head.

He saw Malfoy walking away, looking utterly confused.

Harry sat down and looked relieved. "And that was that."

The two girls just looked at him in confusion.

Susan finally asked, "I know who James Bond is but that just didn't make any sense at all."

Harry grinned. "I know! That's the point.

"You can hit and insult bullies all you want but they will come back when they think that they have the upper hand. They will put time in plotting and scheming. In the end they will keep annoying you over and over again.

"By doing it this way Malfoy will be spending much time trying to figure out what I meant. Not only that, but he will be wasting time to look for James Bond, which won't be found in any Magical book at all. The best part is that nearly every muggle born could solve this in five-seconds flat, but Malfoy will never ask one."

Susan and Hannah dissolved in giggles a few moments later. Throughout the giggles he thought he heard a few mumbled words that basically brought his sanity into question.

--

Harry was walking towards Hogwarts. The carriages and the boats had left half an hour ago. He wasn't really in the mood to go over the lake this time and he had never simply walked towards Hogwarts. It was a new experience for him. He had his cloak wrapped around his shoulders because the wind was a bit chilly.

He finally arrived at the castle a few moments later. He knew that someone was standing in a dark corner but he wasn't concerned. When he finally walked past that corner, the person hiding there stepped out. They were standing straight in front of the door to the Great Hall.

"Mr. Potter," drawled a familiar and disgusting voice. "Hogwarts' new celebrity."

Harry turned around nonchalantly to face Snape. "Why yes I am. Mr. Potter that is. The other part was just shoved on me but if this school is providing special services due to my status then who am I to disagree?"

He took off the cloak and shoved it into Snape's stomach, which made sure that Snape had no choice but to take it.

"I wouldn't want you fired because you had nothing to do. Make sure that my cloak gets to my dormitory."

Snape's furious glare could have cut through diamond by now. Harry decided to keep going.

"Can you point me to the rest of the first years? I wanted to stretch my legs so I walked over here, _obviously_."

Snape wasn't yelling at Harry yet. How strange. Harry knew that Snape must have been fuming by now.

'_Hmmm... He must have thought that the celebrity comment would catch me off guard. Oh well, more fun for me._'

"What do they call your position in this world? In the muggle world I would call you a butler. Do they consider you a butler as well? Or is it servant?"

Harry let his eyes widen a bit in horror. "Don't tell me they call you a... a... _slave_?"

Harry knew he had struck his mark and quickly used some wandless magic to open the door of the Great Hall a bit.

"YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE BRAT. HOW DARE YOU SHOW SUCH ARROGANCE, YOU PILE OF DRAGON DUNG? I AM A PROFESSOR YOU IGNORANT NIMWIT, N-

The shouting, and consequently spitting, was cut off instantly. Harry looked to the side and watched as a strict woman strode down the middle of the Great Hall. Every face was turned towards the seething Snape and small Harry.

When Professor McGonagall finally arrived at the scene she pulled Snape aside. Harry could hear a few mumbled words. " - dare yo- " " - a child - " " - grudge - " " - despicable behavio- " " - school image - "

Harry was enjoying every single second of it. This was the first time he had trouble keeping the smile off his face. He had to keep his innocent image up because every student and teacher of the school was looking at the scene and Harry obviously was a completely innocent child. No, really.

The last sentence that he heard from her did put a smile on his face. "I will be looking at the reason for every one of your point reductions and detentions for the next seven years!"

Just when he thought that Snape couldn't possible look more furious... Harry did find it funny that some of the students in the Great Hall, which had overheard that sentence, were grinning as well.

She finally lifted the silencing spell, which she had shot from the Great Hall to interrupt the conversation in the first place, from Snape.

Snape looked ready to start yelling again, but noticed everyone looking at the scene. He shoved Harry's cloak back and then he quickly stalked to his place at the head table while obviously gritting his teeth together.

Professor McGonagall finally broke the silence. "Mr. Potter, why were you not with the rest of the first years? The sorting has just finished."

"I wanted to stretch my legs and didn't want to sit in a boat that looked too small and unsteady."

McGonagall looked strict and told him in a stern voice, "It is tradition, Mr. Potter."

Harry knew that he could try to push her directly as well but it would only harm him on the long term. No, he would be annoying McGonagall indirectly or innocently. McGonagall really required a delicate approach; otherwise she would descend upon him like a starved cat on a fat mouse.

He was eleven and decided to go for the innocent route. He didn't want anyone else to see though, so he quickly turned his back towards the great hall. He let his front lip tremble a bit while his eyes started to water. "Nobody ever told me anything about this school. No brochure, no explanation, no advice. How was I supposed to know?"

McGonagall's face softened in the blink of an eye. Harry was grinning inwardly while mentally accepting his Oscars for outstanding performance.

She sighed and told him kindly, "It's not a big problem Mr. Potter. We just need to get you sorted now." She looked at him with a frown for a second. "What are you weari- Never mind, we don't have time for this. Follow me please."

Both of them walked through the Great Hall, any sign of weakness was completely gone from Harry's face, until they stopped at the three-legged stool. During the short walk Harry noticed that Hannah and Susan were still in Hufflepuff.

Harry sat down on the three-legged stool after McGonagall pointed it out to him.

Just before the hat was put on his head, Harry intercepted it with his hands. '_Time for a bit of fun. McGonagall really should have explained the sorting ceremony to me before I could take advantage. Ah, she'll learn it eventually._'

He held the ancient hat before his eyes and mumbled, "Whoaa... this thing looks _really_ old."

Before Professor McGonagall could reclaim the hat, Harry started shaking it. Everyone was looking at Harry in shock.

In the meantime the hat had started talking. "Stop that, Mr. Potter. I am not some toy for your amusement."

Harry stopped shaking the hat for a moment due to faked shock and then started looking inside it with a raised eyebrow.

"Are you in there?" Harry questioned.

Professor McGonagall was still dealing with her own shock so Harry quickly stuck his hand in the hat and pulled it out again. He couldn't feel his hand around anything so he started conjuring bunnies. After the fourth bunny his hand enclosed around a familiar feeling sword.

He realised that he couldn't just take it out and he knew that it couldn't be made invisible. He was able to shrink it to a small dagger though. He needed more diversion and he knew just how to get it.

He started moving the hat towards the floor at a very high velocity. When it passed by his pocket, he quickly took out the sword, now the size of a dagger, and shoved it in there. Nobody had noticed the action since everyone's eye was focused on the hat. He slammed the hat on the floor and decided that it was fun so he started whacking the hat on the floor repeatedly. "Dieeeee... Dieeeee you _evil_ possessed hat!"

After a few hits on the floor, the hat started yelling profanities. Harry memorised the words because he was extremely sure that they had not been heard in centuries. After a few more whacks, Professor McGonagall finally grabbed the hat out of Harry's reach.

"Never in my entire life..." she mumbled.

Harry finally realised how much fun it was to be a kid again, acting like a complete _innocent_ and _ignorant_ muggle-raised kid.

Professor Dumbledore intervened swiftly. "Mr. Potter, each new student needs to be sorted by the sorting hat. It will read your characteristics to determine the optimal house for you. The hat has been doing this for a thousand years. It is a long standing tradition!"

"How about Purgatory?" the hat whispered in a strained tone.

Dumbledore coughed in a weak attempt to silence the hat.

Harry looked at the hat and whispered so quietly that only McGonagall could hear him, "How about a bath? Because collecting dust seems to be a tradition as well." Harry enjoyed the tick that was suddenly noticeable in McGonagall's left eye.

Harry looked at Dumbledore with wide and innocent eyes filled by shock, "That _thing_ is going to read my mind? I am not putting that on my head!"

Harry noticed that even though Dumbledore had looked very happy when he had seen Harry a few moments ago, he now looked as if he were wishing for the school year to be over already. He heard Dumbledore sigh again.

"The hat does not read your mind Mr. Potter. It analyses how you feel about certain things and then sorts you according to that. In unusual cases it might even have a short conversation with you to determine your house."

"Owkeey." Harry put on his innocent angelic face and looked cheerfully at the hat.

A second later the hat was put over his head. He could hear the hat's thoughts. "I can't believe I still have to sort that little -

Harry decided that he wanted a house that was neutral this time, so he thought about the train ride and how he felt making some new friends. A second later the hat shouted. "Hufflepuff!"

Harry was seated at the Hufflepuff table moments later.

Hannah and Susan had their teeth clenched together to avoid laughing at his behaviour.

He looked at them in indignation for laughing at his obvious innocence. He glanced at the people sitting around him and he finally saw a ghost. He paled a bit, grabbed the person sitting next to him, thankfully a muggle born, and whispered in a terrified voice, "I see dead people."

That person was just looking at him in confusion before he understood what Harry meant. "Oh, those are ghosts. We saw them before the sorting ceremony as well."

Harry blinked his eyes in confusion. '_Why didn't he get it? I don... Darn it! That movie isn't released yet. I hate you Sugnudnum! How dare you nick my pun?_' Harry settled on pouting inwardly.

When he finally left the Great Hall he noticed that he had made a mistake by conjuring bunnies. Apparently each of the bunnies had hopped over to one of the houses and they were currently being cuddled by the female lower years. Harry rolled his eyes in an exasperated way and made sure that those bunnies would survive and remain with their current house for the next couple of years. '_I need to work on my distractions…_'

--

Today was the first class that kicked off the new school year. Transfiguration.

To Harry's eternal disappointment Professor McGonagall was standing behind her desk when the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws entered the classroom. Harry frowned while plotting revenge for the missing animagus form.

"Good morning. Since my class is your first lesson that uses a wand I will be explaining some basic wand care. Does everyone have their wand?"

Everyone carefully took out their wand.

Harry however took out his wand dramatically while exclaiming, "Tadaa!" He then continued with waving it around in complex patterns that meant absolutely nothing. Sparks went flying around the classroom while half the Hufflepuffs near him ducked behind their desks in precaution.

"Mr. Potter! Do not wave your wand around like that!" McGonagall exclaimed.

Harry looked at her with a childish face that seemed to scream out, 'I'm eleven! What did you expect?'

The boring lecture about wand care started a few moments later, after the Hufflepuffs had taken their seats again. Hannah had been glaring at Harry for a few moments since she was the person sitting closest to him, and thus the most likely victim of Harry's actions.

He finally picked up the words "Incantations are normally used when using a wand. The incantation is a predefined-"

Harry stopped listening. He had heard enough. Wand plus incantation equalled magic. He pointed his wand straight at Hannah, whose eyes opened in shock. Before she managed to dive out of the way Harry said, "Abracadabra!" Harry knew that the incantation wouldn't do anything so he quickly did some wandless magic to make sure something happened.

"Mr. Potter! You do not just use magic on a fellow classmate. Ten points fro-" Professor McGonagall stopped talking due to shock.

Hannah had straightened herself up again from behind the desk. The entire class looked at her open mouthed while McGonagall closed her eyes for a second to get rid of her frustration. Her lips were pursed together.

Instead of Hannah's normal blonde hair, she now had black hair. Hannah looked around in confusion before glaring at Harry. "What did you do?"

"Err... I might have turned you hair black?"

Harry expected her to keep glaring at him but instead her eyes lit up. He saw her taking out a small mirror from her schoolbag. After she observed her reflection for a second she suddenly threw her hands in the air, which resulted in the mirror nearly flying from her hand, and exclaimed, "Finally!"

She looked at Professor McGonagall and asked, "Professor? Is it permanent?"

"I do not know Miss. Abbott. I could check if you want me too. Why?" McGonagall asked in confusion.

"I accidentally changed my hair colour from black to blonde when I was seven. Nobody managed to turn it back so if this is permanent then my hair is back to its original colour!" Hannah exclaimed anxiously.

McGonagall sighed, which completely reflected Harry's mood.

'_I'm trying to create chaos here people. Chaos!_'

Before McGonagall had a chance to examine the hair, Harry quickly threw some more wandless magic at the hair to make sure it was permanent.

After McGonagall's examination she reassured Hannah. "It seems to be permanent Miss. Abbo-

"YES!" Hannah shouted with her fists raised in the air again.

McGonagall looked at Harry and said in a strained voice, "Ten points to Hufflepuff for sheer dumb luck."

Before Harry could react Hannah hugged him. Harry wanted some payback for this so kissed her on the cheek. He made sure it was a very wet kiss. "Congratulations!"

This resulted in the normal reaction.

"Ieeew! Don't do that Harry!"

Harry grinned before he could stop himself and quickly removed the grin from his face a second later. McGonagall had seen the grin though so she had her eyes narrowed and lips thinned at Harry. Harry swallowed and waited for the reprimand... which didn't come.

He looked at McGonagall again and was confused when he saw her eyes shining in mirth and a small grin on her face. It almost looked as if she had realized something that he had not. A shiver went up Harry's spine because he knew it would hurt him in the future.

McGonagall continued the class a second later while Harry kept wondering what could be wrong with annoying girls in that manner.

--

The class had arrived in the dungeons for their Potions class.

Harry took a seat at the front of the class again, rubbed his hands together in glee while his eyes were shining in pure ecstasy. He accidentally whispered the word "chaos" which resulted in Hannah and Susan backing away from him. They took a seat at the other end of the classroom.

A guy finally took the seat next to Harry. Harry looked at him and saw that the guy looked very nervous. Harry looked around the classroom and frowned when he realized that everyone was looking at him.

"What? I haven't done anything..." '_...yet._'

Harry looked around the classroom and frowned when he realized that there was a sticking charm on the door. He looked confused for a second before his eyes opened in shock. '_That ruddy bastard!_' Harry removed the sticking charm a second later.

Not a moment too soon because the door slammed open a fraction of a second later. The next few seconds seemed to happen in slow motion for Harry.

The door flew towards the wall.

The professor set a foot inside the classroom.

The door slammed against the wall, but _unfortunately_ it didn't stay there.

The professor set another foot inside and started talking, "I am P-

The door slammed back towards the original position, which contained a Professor that assumed the door would stay stuck to the wall.

"-roffeso-

THUD

Harry looked around the classroom and saw that everyone was in some state of mirth, but nobody dared to laugh due to the stories they had heard from their fellow classmates. Some of the students were desperately biting their lips to avoid laughing. He also saw a couple of tears running down Susan's face. She hadn't fallen down only because Hannah was supporting her.

Snape pushed the door of the classroom gently back towards the wall. A fuming Snape stood in the doorway with a broken nose. Harry saw Snape quickly took out his wand and fixed his nose with a healing spell.

In a whisper Snape started again, "I am Professor Snape-

At least Harry thought that Snape was saying that. The sound of his teeth grinding over each other was drowning out the whisper at several intervals. Harry zoned out the rest of the explanation. It seemed Snape realized that he couldn't exactly blame this on any of the first years. Not even that annoying Potter kid. The class started with their first potion half an hour later. Snape had not even asked any questions at all.

Harry quickly grew bored though. He knew that the students were protected from some of the accidents that could happen while working in the Potions class. Neville would have died nearly every lesson otherwise.

He stood next to the cauldron while Ernie was chopping up some disgusting looking things. The water in the cauldron was boiling a few minutes later. Ernie got distracted by something that happened behind him and Harry quickly took advantage of that. He grabbed all the ingredients and chucked them in the cauldron.

A moment later Ernie was looking at him in confusion due to the missing ingredients. Harry sat himself on the chair, put his elbows on the desk and his head against his fingers that were twirled together. A moment later orange smoke started rising from the cauldron.

"Excellent," Harry drawled out.

Snape was running towards their cauldron with his wand whipped out and started the incantation of a spell to freeze the contents inside.

BOOM

Too late.

When the smoke finally cleared away, everyone was looking at Harry with their teeth clenched and eyes narrowed. Everything in the classroom looked orange. Skin, hair, clothes, desks, ... everything.

Harry's exclamation summed up the entire situation. "Wicked."

A mere moment later Snape whispered in a deadly voice, "Potter. Headmaster's Office. Now. Fifty points from Hufflepuff for destroying a classroom."

--

An orange looking Harry and Snape entered the office of the Headmaster. Harry saw that Dumbledore was busy with some paperwork. He started talking without even looking at them. "Professor Snape, Mr. Potter. What can I do fo-" Dumbledore stopped talking when he finally looked up.

Harry swore that the twinkle in Dumbledore's eyes grew brighter.

Everything was silent for a short while until Dumbledore spoke again. "Take a seat, Mr. Potter."

Harry quickly sat down in the chair that was indicated while Snape remained standing.

"Lemon drop?" Dumbledore asked while indicating the bowl of candy on his desk.

Harry grinned, stood up and quickly took one of the candies. "Thank you, Headmaster Dumbledore." He then popped it into his mouth while sucking on the candy happily.

Dumbledore smiled at him and then looked at Snape. "Severus, I am sure that you can explain your current attire?"

"Mr. Potter here seems to think it is amusing to throw ingredients into a cauldron without following the directions on the board," Snape responded.

"Mr. Potter?"

Harry looked innocent. Well, no, he looked orange but he really tried to look innocent as well.

"I read in my textbook that the first lessons in potions are always about seeing how ingredients react to each other," Harry said innocently. "Apparently it is not safe to just start with a potion if you don't know what is safe and what is dangerous." He then continued proudly with a content smile and huge eyes, "Mine made everything orange!"

To Harry's astonishment, Dumbledore started to look angry so he continued in a subdued voice. "I really thought that the intention of the lesson was to see how the ingredients reacted to each other. I thought that the potion on the board was for the next class."

"I am not angry at you, Mr. Potter."

Dumbledore walked over to Snape and they started a whispered conversation. Harry managed to pick up some fragments that summed up what he had already said.

'_Starting a potion on the first class with students that have never even heard of some of the ingredients. How big of a moron can you be?_'

Harry zoned out the rest of the confrontation and his attention was drawn to the bowl of lemon drops. Those candies weren't that bad. Harry knew that they weren't drugged with anything because Dumbledore had visitors all the time, including Aurors and even Unspeakables. They would detect such stuff faster than you could blink your eyes. Dumbledore was a genuine candy-addict. Although Harry had to admit that he was one as well. So he stood up again and reached out for the bowl again.

He frowned at the sudden silence so he turned his head to look at the previously arguing pair. Both of them were looking at Harry now.

'_Busted..._'

Dumbledore was looking at him with a smile though. "Go ahead, Mr. Potter. I am glad to see that someone finally likes them. Most of the students tend to decline my offer."

Harry quickly grabbed one and popped it in his mouth again. "Thanks, sir." He contemplated to inform Dumbledore that most parents tell their children not to accept candy from old men, but realised quickly that this would only result in less candy for him.

Dumbledore sighed. "It seems there was a misunderstanding Mr. Potter." Dumbledore looked over at Snape. "There will be some changes in the potion lessons. Students need to learn why things are done, not simply create existing potions."

Harry looked at Dumbledore again and asked, "Professor Snape removed fifty points from Hufflepuff for what I did."

"Those fifty points will be returned in a few moments."

Harry heard the door slamming behind him and he just knew that Snape had stalked out of the room in frustration.

Dumbledore was looking at Harry with a small frown on his face. "What are you wearing, Mr. Potter?"

"Modified school robes."

"Modified?"

Harry looked at Dumbledore in indignation. "I refuse to wear _girl_ robes so I had them modified."

Dumbledore started to look really tired.

Harry decided to continue his point of view. "Besides, I grew up in the muggle world and I shudder to think what would happen if some of those trends make their way into the Magical World."

Dumbledore couldn't resist the temptation so he asked, "What kind of trends?"

"Well, in the muggle world they started revolutionizing their clothing a long time ago. Their assortment ranges from ordinary robes to stylish dresses. However at some point they invented a thing called... " He leaned closer to Dumbledore and whispered, "... mini skirts."

"Mini skirts?" Dumbledore asked in confusion.

Harry nodded enthusiastically. "They are cut off around here." Harry signalled at a height that was very close to his privates.

He saw Dumbledore's eyes widen. "What do they wear _below_ that height then?"

Harry knew he was winning already so he grinned inwardly for a second. He knew very well that mini skirts did not have a damn thing to do with modern robes but there was no way in hell that he would be wearing any girl robes at all, ever.

"Nothing."

Dumbledore's eyes nearly popped out.

"Although I heard from older boys that it looked really sexy on women."

Dumbledore cleared his throat before saying, "I will see if a distinction can't be made Mr. Potter." Harry then heard Dumbledore whispering, "And hopefully before those things come to the attention of Madam Malkin's shopkeepers."

Harry was dismissed a moment later. He waited for a moment to rise while looking at the bowl of lemon drops again. Dumbledore held out the bowl a moment later. Harry quickly took one again, popped it in his mouth, thanked the Headmaster and ran out of the office.

'_If I knew that manipulating Dumbledore was so easy then I would have done it so much earlier than this._'

--

Harry had decided to skip the Halloween meal. He was standing at the doors, invisible to everyone, of the Great Hall for only two reasons.

The first one was to see if everyone made it to the feast. He had been messing with everything so that idiot troll could just as easily assault someone else.

The second one was to see if Quirrell would still be pulling that stupid troll scene. If he would... well Harry wouldn't be very kind to him then. Quirrell would be attacking the unicorns in a few months and Harry could not let that happen. The lessons were also a complete disaster. Even when Quirrell started teaching some easy spells there was nobody that could do them due to wrong pronunciations.

The flying lessons had been postponed. _Someone_ had burned the broom shed to the ground with all the brooms in it. Dumbledore had announced that fact during the first week of lessons. The Quidditch matches would still be held since those brooms were locked away in the common rooms of the respective houses. Only the brooms for teaching had been destroyed so the lessons had been postponed until new brooms arrived, which would be some time after Christmas.

Dumbledore had asked for the pyromaniac, not that he called the arsonist that way, to come forward. Harry really had to resist raising his hand then. '_That explanation would have been a good one. Hi, I destroyed all the brooms because they are too old. By the way, in a couple of years a first year will nearly die due to a malfunctioning broom. Yeah, nobody will ever question that one. If anyone shows doubts then I'll just exclaim dramatically that it was magic._'

Half an hour later Harry was sure that everyone had entered the Great Hall. He had been paying a lot more attention to the people inside Hogwarts, for complete non-chaotic reasons of course, so he knew most of the names and faces by now.

Hermione was attending the feast as well. Harry surmised that the Leviosa-episode hadn't happened this time. She seemed to talk a lot with Neville and some of the Ravenclaws so Harry wasn't worried about her. Neville even seemed to be gaining confidence.

Harry saw Quirrell slipping out the Great Hall and Harry quickly followed him. After entering the dungeons he saw Quirrell unlocking a door and stepping inside. Harry tried to enter it as well but the door was slammed close. He mentally shrugged and teleported himself inside. '_Hermione would be having a stroke if she had seen this._'

Quirrell had just finished giving the troll some commands. Harry looked at the troll and saw its eyes glazed over. He raised an eyebrow at Quirrell even though the latter couldn't see it.

Harry threw a wandless Imperio at the troll. He then got an evil grin on his face and mentally started giving out commands to the troll.

The troll raised its club and idiotically exclaimed, "Bamm bamm!"

Quirrell turned back to the troll in confusion while mumbling in confusion, "Bamm Ba-

The troll was already lowering its club directly onto Quirrell, who only managed to roll out of the way just in time. He had been taken off-guard though and had dropped his wand in the process. Before the club reached the ground, Harry quickly used some of his magic to make sure that the wand was underneath the club.

CRACK

Harry saw Quirrell running straight for the door so he quickly locked it with so many charms and wards that only the teachers would be able to undo them. He really did not want a student to enter the room while this was going on, or even after it was finished. Quirrell was pulling on the doorknob while screaming at the top of his voice for help.

Harry was just looking at Quirrell in indignation. Ron and he had dealt with that troll as first years and here was the bastard himself now shrieking like a little girl. He finally gave the troll the command to keep swinging its club at Quirrell until he stopped moving.

Five minutes passed. Five minutes of watching a giant troll strolling through a classroom, swinging its club madly at a puny human while sometimes exclaiming, even without Harry nudging him on, "Bamm Bamm!". This was definitely one of Harry's best five minutes that he had spent.

Quirrell finally hit the floor in a bloody mass that was sure to piss off Filch if he had to clean it up.

A certain parasite had been rudely exclaiming just how incompetent his host was the entire time Quirrell was running around the room. It had become so vocal that Harry had tripped Quirrell over just to end it.

Harry found the entire situation more fun than his original troll encounter. He removed the Imperio-spell from the troll and teleported back outside. The door was still locked tight so nobody would stumble across the troll without being able to deal with it.

Just when he popped outside Voldemort came floating through the closed door. Harry's eyes opened in shock for a moment. He had completely forgotten that the spectre of Voldemort still needed to exit Hogwarts. Voldemort was flying through the corridors and Harry had to teleport around every corner to make sure that Voldemort would not possess a student.

He picked up several pieces of angry whisperings from Voldemort though. " - incompetent fool - " " - weak minded followers - " " - used up too much of my strength - "

Voldemort exited Hogwarts a few moments later and Harry saw him flying away in the distance.

Harry then walked to the Great Hall, still invisible, and had a quick look around to make sure that everything was in order. He saw that Snape was missing from the Head Table. Harry sighed. '_That idiot noticed Quirrell missing and went to the third floor corridor._'

He smiled in overzealous joy a mere moment later after making a short equation. '_Snape plus Fluffy equals..._' Harry didn't even bother to run there, instead he teleported straight to the third year corridor. He really did not want to miss that encounter.

He was in the room a mere moment later. Fluffy was asleep. A violin was floating in the room, playing a song. Snape had just closed the trapdoor and was only just walking away from Fluffy.

Harry did some quick thinking and a fraction of a second later he had conjured an invisible inflated balloon and a very sharp needle. He could just make a sharp noise in another way, but popping a balloon had a twisted sense of humour to it.

'_Take this you Death Eater bastard._' He quickly moved the needle to the balloon.

BANG

Snape's head snapped up from the sudden sound. So did three other heads.

Snape was making his way to the door in a very quick motion. Two other heads were doing the exact same thing.

One of Fluffy's heads was being dragged along by the other two, but was looking at Harry's position. Harry realized that the blasting thing could either see through his invisibility or had other means of seeing things. He quickly teleported outside of the room.

He saw Snape stumbling out of the room a moment later. Snape was shooting spells at his leg that was badly bleeding. It looked a lot worse than before. '_Good. The bastard deserves it._'

Harry teleported straight into his dorm and lay down on his bed while reflecting on what had happened tonight. '_No Quirrell means no Voldemort. No Voldemort means no stolen dragon egg and no harmed unicorns. I wonder who will be teaching Defence after they find Quirrell..._'

--

Harry was nudged awake a little while later. He rubbed his eyes while trying to invent new torture methods to use on whoever woke him. He yawned while stretching himself before he took his glasses from beside his bed. He put them on and looked at the clock. It was only a quarter of an hour later, which meant it was still Halloween evening. Now he really wanted to strangle the person that woke him.

He looked over at who had nudged him and saw the female seventh year Hufflepuff prefect standing besides his bed in an apologetic way. He would have glared at her but he was too tired to bother. "Is there a reason why you woke me?"

He turned to the doorway when he heard someone clearing her throat. He saw his Head of House, Professor Sprout, standing in the door opening. "Mr. Potter, all students were requested by Headmaster Dumbledore to stay in the Great Hall twenty minutes ago. There was an incident in the castle that required the utmost care. We expected all students to be at the feast, so there was quite a panic when your friends reported you missing."

'_Hmmm... Dumbledore must have monitoring wards around the castle that alerted him of Quirrell's demise._' Harry looked at her and said deadpanned, "So you finally found me and then you woke me up. How considerate of you."

"I will ignore that remark since you are still half asleep. Why were you not at the Halloween Feast, Mr. Potter?"

Harry clenched his teeth together so the first insults that came to mind wouldn't make their way out. After a few seconds he finally responded in a highly sarcastic voice, "You are right. I should have been at the feast. I mean, who wouldn't want to celebrate the day their parents died? Kids probably throw a party on such days all the time. Hooray, the only people that cared for me got assassinated. Let's pop some champag-

Harry was cut off from his rant due to someone that suddenly hugged him. Before he blasted that person off he realized that it was the seventh year prefect that had nudged him awake. He tried to peel her off of him and missed the whispered apology that Sprout gave before she left to inform Dumbledore of his location.

Harry tried to get the prefect to release him, but since he was still tired from his very short nap he failed to push her off of him.

She whispered in his ear, "It's all right Harry." She continued to hold him in a hug and relaxed it a bit when Harry stopped struggling.

Harry wondered why he had been so rude towards his Head of House and why he didn't just blast the prefect off and memory charm her. He finally realized that even in his erased future, he had never really mourned for his parents because there was never time. Even in his diabolical warpath to annoy people he had forgotten to do that.

He vowed to himself that he would be visiting their graves before he finished his education this time. He enjoyed the comfort that was given instead of pushing it away and after a short period he finally fell asleep.

Harry would never know it himself, but the prefect repeated the same action that his own mother used to do. She got up, tucked him in and gave him a kiss on his forehead. She observed him for a short period to confirm that he was in a deep sleep and left the room an hour after Sprout had.

The next day everyone got informed that Quirrell had an accident and that Defence would be taught by the different available teachers for the rest of the year or until a replacement was found.

--

Today was Valentines Day and Harry was sitting in the Great Hall having breakfast with the rest of his classmates.

For Christmas he had given out gifts to everyone that he knew in this new version of the world. He could hardly give a gift to Hermione and Ron now. He had given all the girls, including the three Slytherins from the train and the seventh year prefect that had helped him, a couple of diaries with loads of security gadgets on it. To the few male guys that he knew in his dormitory he had given some candy. He only knew the guys for a couple of months so candy had been a safe bet.

He had received some wicked gifts in return. The invisibility cloak had gone straight in his trunk since he didn't really need it. The guys didn't seem to know anything that had happened on Halloween night but the girls most definitely did. Even though Harry already had loads of pictures from his parents, the girls had gone out of their way to obtain copies of memories from their families about the Potter family. The only time he had ever heard their voices was from the dementor memories so now he had some decent memories.

Harry had profusely thanked them and he had received a standing invitation to go over to the Bones' residence during the holidays to view the memories.

He took another piece of toast from the plate in front of him. He glanced at the Head Table and saw Snape just arriving. Snape had to use a cane since the Fluffy incident. Harry was really devastated when he heard that. No, he really was. He wanted to break Snape's legs himself when the time was right.

Harry was broken out of his muse when Hedwig arrived. He had spent some time with her but he was not worried about neglecting her. Everyone in Hufflepuff seemed to absolutely adore the owl so she was getting enough attention. He took the letter that she was carrying, glanced at the writing and couldn't stop his eye from twitching at the loopy handwriting.

He sighed and opened the letter to get it over with. It only contained one line like the previous mailing. "Have a Looney Valentine, Harry Potter."

His eyes widened a second later because there was some magic on the parchment. He quickly found out that it was a small prank and he was about to disable it when someone from behind him grabbed it.

"Girlfriend already, Pot-

BANG

Harry slowly turned around and saw Malfoy standing there. He noticed that Malfoys hair was currently redecorated to show all the colours of the rainbow. He really tried to hide his grin but failed. Especially after nearly everyone in the hall was laughing at Malfoy. Malfoy ran out of the Great Hall a moment later. '_Poor Malfoy. His first attempt to annoy me and it backfired._'

A moment later he wondered how Luna knew...

Harry finally glanced over at Ernie who was still looking at him in confusion because he had missed the flying lesson the day before.

Harry had no intention of flying when he was in school this time. He knew that he would be unable to control his flying abilities and would have been asked to join the Quidditch team. He had no intention of wasting time on practices so he had skipped the entire class. '_It's not like they can force a student to fly a bloody broom._'

He had cracked a grin when he heard about Malfoy and Ron. Even by not attending the class there had been chaos. Hannah and Susan had explained to Harry what had happened to ensure that Malfoy and Ron spent a night in the Hospital Wi-

"RONALD WEASLEY! HOW DARE YOU IGNORE A TEACHER!"

Harry turned his head, just like everyone else in the Great Hall, to the Gryffindor table to see a Howler shouting at the redheaded boy.

"YOU AND MALFOY NEARLY GOT EACH OTHER KILLED WITH THAT STUPID STUNT. THE HEADMASTER ALREADY ENSURED US THAT BOTH OF YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO JOIN IN QUIDDITCH FOR THE REST OF YOUR HOGWARTS YEARS. AND DON'T THINK THAT YOU WILL BE FLYING AROUND AT THE BURROW EITHER! YOU ARE GROUNDED... LITERALLY! Enjoy the rest of the year."

Everyone in the hall was awake by now.

Harry closed his eyes for a second before he stood up. It was the middle of breakfast so nearly every eye was on him when he had removed himself from the bench. Harry didn't care though; he had something to take care of. He strode straight towards the Slytherin table, which resulted in many whispers throughout the Great Hall. He plopped himself down next to Pansy and he started looking at her with huge puppy dog eyes. "Please tell me you have another potion!"

The grin on Pansy's face didn't reassure Harry in the slightest. He saw her taking out a vial from her schoolbag but before he could grab it, she pulled her hand back.

"Ah aah! Swear that you won't kiss me or you are not getting this." To make sure Harry got the point, Pansy was dangling the vial in front of him.

If anyone had been watching hadn't been shocked yet, they were now. Harry Potter kissing a Slytherin? They all knew that he had given them some gifts after the three Slytherins had thanked him for it, but kissing one?

Harry grudgingly said, "Fine!"

Pansy handed him the vial which Harry quickly grabbed and downed a few moments later.

"Aaaaaahhh... Fantastic." Harry saw that Pansy looked ready to continue eating, but before she could he grabbed her in a hug while exclaiming, "Thanks!"

He then whispered so only she could hear him, "You forgot to exclude hugging. Don't worry though, you're in Slytherin so you will learn eventually."

Before Pansy could react they were interrupted by a voice from the Head Table. "Mr. Potter, you could also get such potions at the Hospital Wing."

Harry looked over at the voice and saw Professor McGonagall looking at him. Before he could stop himself he said, "I knew that, but then I wouldn't be able to annoy Pans-

Slap

"Auw! Don't hit me darn it!"

He quickly turned around to see who had hit him on the head, only to see Pansy looking at him with huge eyes and an innocent face that screamed out, 'Who, me?'

A couple of girls in the Great Hall started giggling, which only made Harry glare harder at Pansy.

A few moments later he was cursing inwardly. The teachers hadn't done anything about this, which could only mean trouble for the next school years. After a quick glance at the Head Table he saw that most of the teachers were smiling at the interaction. Snape was not smiling but then again, he wasn't really a teacher anyway.

--

The train finally arrived at platform nine and three quarters. The school year was finished and Harry was glad that it was over. Gryffindor had won the Quidditch Cup and Ravenclaw had won the House Cup with an extremely large lead due to the non-interference of Snape.

He hadn't created as much chaos as he wanted, but he refused to destroy students OWLs and NEWTs so he had to keep it toned down a bit. Annoying people was one thing but destroying futures was something completely different. He would be completely annihilating every little piece of slime that showed even a single glimpse of Death Eater attitude. The only exceptions were Snape and Malfoy. They deserved more quality time before they died.

Harry and his friends walked off the train and they said their goodbyes. He was reminded by Susan to visit her over the summer so he could look through the memories. Harry also thanked Madam Bones who was observing the interaction. They parted ways a little while later.

Before Harry left the platform, he heard a voice that he hadn't heard for some time.

"-mes Bond."

Harry raised an eyebrow and looked over at the Malfoy family. He realized that he hadn't heard from Malfoy in his entire Hogwarts year, not counting the broom and hair incident. He blinked his eyes stupidly. '_He can not be so stupid to have spent an entire year looking for a fictional figure..._'

"My contacts have also found no mention of this name," Lucius replied.

Harry smacked his head.

He looked at the Malfoys again and saw Narcissa looking at him with thinned lips and a strained expression. Harry just grinned at her, which made it even more difficult for her to contain her mirth at the entire situation. '_At least there is one Malfoy with brains, even if she married into the family._'

He was just about to exit the platform when he was reminded of the Malfoys.

'_Screw the Dursleys. Vernon can keep waiting until it pisses him off. I'm not spending a second in their presence anyway._'

He looked over at the Malfoys again. '_I have another stop to make._'

Before the barrier pushed him onto the muggle world, he teleported away to take care of something first.

--

**To Be Continued...**

--

Additional Notes

Disclaimer: I do not own 'James Bond', 'The Simpsons', 'The Flintstones' and 'The Sixth Sense'. If you are under the delusion that I do own them, then please run into the nearest available wall to rearrange your brain-cells. If you are underage then please ask permission from your parents or guardians before running into the previously discussed wall. My beta recommended using a brick wall to avoid damage to the innocent wall.

Thank you for editing again Ethiliam!


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